For the most part, Brooklyn is every bit as delightful as I imagined. I am so predictable and I feel like it's no longer cool to like Brooklyn. But here I am - obsessed with the outer borough.
But no one tells you that when you move to Brooklyn, the commute to midtown Manhattan IS ABSOLUTE HELL. Brooklyn is the largest borough of New York, housing 2.6 million people - and all of them commute at the same hours that I do.
So after six weeks of this 40 minute commute from hell, I have determined the worst types of people on the subway.
1. Tourists
I've been a tourist on many subway lines and I'm sure I've bugged the crap out of natives. But really. Subway surfing is not a thing. Don't run around in the train. Figure out what stop you are getting off at so you don't need to yell across the train at the rest of your party. And finally, please - your matching neon shirts are so 1994.
2. Asian Tourists
Everything from #1, but add a different language, no body awareness, and a lot more yelling.
3. People Who Put Their Shopping Bag on the Seat Next to Them
Whenever I see this, I fantasize about just pushing their bag off the seat. Just to see their reaction. Muahahha But really? Come on! There are 800 people crammed in here and everyone wants a seat. Your Gap dress will be fine if it sits on your lap.
4. Crying Babies
I love babies. Like loooooveeee babies. But at 8:30 am as the train makes its way over the Manhattan bridge, the last thing I want to do is hear your baby scream. Seriously people: take a cab or stick in a pacifier.
5. People Who Shove You to Get a Better Spot
When you live in New York, you adopt this weird habit. When someone shoves you, it's tantamount to killing your first child. Last summer, I went home to California for two weeks after spending 3 months in the city. A woman bumped me in the grocery store and I shot her my typical, "I want you dead" look that I had picked up in New York. When I realized that this rude behavior had become regular to me, I was horrified.
But it's part of living in the city. On the subway, however, there really is a finite amount of space that people can cram in to. Shoving is not going to help. Generally, I shove right back. I'm sure I am going to get shanked at some point, but it would be totally worth it to show someone who's boss.
6. Extremely Large Men
When everyone crams it, it pays to be 5'5''. I really feel sorry for 7'10'' 500000lb man who try to find space in the train. Sorry man - life on the subway is never going to be easy for you.
7. Anyone Who Plays an Instrument or Dances
In my Hillsdale Econ class we would have called this the benefit of a captive audience. On the B train on my way home from work, I call this annoying as hell. The last thing I want after 9 hours of work is to hear bongo drums and someone yelling at me to pay them for something I didn't want to see in the first place.
8. People with Beats Headphones
On the way to work, I read. It's a 40 minute trip most days, so I've gotten a fair amount of reading done. Sometimes, however, some idiot decides to blast offensive music in their Beats headphones and I go ballistic. Okay, this one really makes me sound like an old person, but I don't care.
9. Large Groups of Youths from Long Island
Look, when I was your age (picture me shaking a finger at some teenagers) going in to New York City would have been the coolest thing ever. But really - have some dignity. I don't want to hear about your crush or drama from the entire other side of the train. And if you don't sit right next to each other, you will survive.
10. People Who Wear Surgical Masks
I recently told my boyfriend that if Ebola breaks out in the city, he is obligated to come get me immediately. So I feel both annoyed and freaked out when I see these people. But they are overreacting. Right...?
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