Rules of Adulting No One Told You About

Ugh. It all started with moisturizer. I already know how ridiculous this sounds, but bear with me.

I was out with friends and the subject of moisturizer choice came up. I politely declined to participate in the discussion as I don't use moisturizer. I have many faults, but my skin is not one of them. If I do say so myself, I have a great complexion. One year worth of the world's evilest preteen drug, Accutane, will give you that. Anyway, when my friends discovered that I don't use stupid moisturizer, panic and chaos ensued. "WHAT?!" they exclaimed in frenzied tones. I called my mother. "Do you want wrinkles when you're old? Why are you not using moisturizer?' I was shocked. I had no idea this was a thing. I wash my face... I had no clue the ENTIRE REST OF THE WORLD had a whole other step added to their routine.

Umm... so why did no one tell me this was a thing? I lived in a sorority house for a year and this never came up. Or I was just totally oblivious to everyone else on the planet ensuring their face was properly hydrated.

I'd like to say this was the first time something like this had happened to me. But it's not. Every once in a while I realize that I'm making up this whole adult thing as I go along. I hope you feel the same, because otherwise I'm just a crazy person on the internet ranting about moisturizer. Well, I am. But we're already here so you must think that I'm not totally insane.

In the last year of figuring out how to function as an adult, I've given myself some rules. Once again, maybe these are totally understood and known by the general populace, but as evidenced by the great moisturizergate of 2015, I'm a painfully slow learner. (And as the below text proves I needed to get this out because my mother wasn't picking up the phone).

1. You Don't Have to Read/Finish Books You Don't Like

I fail at this all the time. I just read the most horrible, depressing book, but of course I finished it. (It's called "What She Saw." Avoid it at all costs!) After being conditioned for the last 12 years to read and finish what was put in front of me, whether it was Aristotle or Toni Morrison, it's hard for me to put down books. They're begging to be finished. But no. Reading should make you happy. And you don't have to be intellectual all the time. Sometimes it's just great to read some fun fiction that makes you smile!

2. You Have to Accept that You're Too Old to Wear Certain Things

Hooded sweatshirts are not acceptable unless you're lounging around at home. Cargo shorts are never allowed, men, but I could write a whole other post about that. Really, it's tragic walking into a store and being like, ugh. I bet kids on the Disney Channel are wearing this and then crying because you don't even know who's on the damn Disney Channel anymore. As badly as I want a cute pink dress with flowers on it, I have to put it down and pick up an "adult" cardigan. Bleh.

3. ConEd is an Evil Institution That's Out to Make Your Life Miserable 

Just accept this and move on. I dare you to try to solve a simple problem on the phone with these people. It's impossible.

This is everyone who works at ConEd

4. You Shouldn't Show Up to Work Hungover

This is a bit of a problem, because as an adult you're supposed to be able to go out on weekdays and handle a glass of wine. But if you're me, this just isn't a reality. If I have two beers, I'm out for the count. But being hungover at work is probably what Dante meant when he was talking about the inner circle of hell. Try concentrating at a meeting while you simultaneously want to throw up and eat something fried. Scratch that. Don't try that. It's the literal worst.

5. You Have to be Nice to Awful People

Please tell me when this gets easier. Sometimes I want to reach into my computer and strangle people. Apple, when are you going to make that possible? On the other hand NSA, if you're reading this, my idea could come in handy for you. But if I have to send one more email with a smiley face to someone who is being a real bitch, I'll kill myself. But I will, because my job depends on it.

6. You Have to Dress Like You Have Money at Work

So I'm basically getting paid pennies, but I'm supposed to dress like I can afford Brooks Brothers? How is this even possible? Well sales, my friend, sales. But really? If I owned a company, if you got paid like shit you would be allowed to dress like shit. Alas, I do not run any companies. Therefore, I scrounge and hunt for clothes like my ancient ancestors hunted for water in the desert.

7. Your Room Shouldn't be Decorated Like a College Dorm

I totally fail at this. The only adult things I have in my room are a book shelf and a candle. I have Wes Anderson posters I imported from France hung on my wall. People just expect you to become an interior decorator over night after spending four years taping crap to your walls? This is absurd. But of course, some crazy hipster from Etsy is shipping me new wall stuff as we speak. So I am trying.

8. You're Not Allowed to Talk About College

Either people get annoyed because they're too far removed or they don't want to be reminded of how young you are. I hate being 23 for this reason. Someone will say, "Remember 'Rocky?'" Umm... no because my parents weren't even married when that came out. Also, going to Hillsdale makes it even worse. "Oh yeah that reminds me of reading Anthony Downs on the economic theory of democracy." Oh never mind, I went to a freak college, where people actually talked about out-of-the-mainstream ideas. But whatever.

9. Pink Glittery Things are No Longer Acceptable

I can't even get into this. It depresses me too much.

10. Moisturizer is a Basic Human Necessity, as Important as Water and Shelter

Okay, maybe not. But do you want wrinkles?! I'm obviously overreacting to this whole thing. But what can I say? No one said you can't be a dramatic adult, so I'm sticking to it.

PS: I now have moisturizer and I must admit it feels quite nice.