Thresholds (and How Mine is Literally -1,000,000,000,000)

So today was... better. Kind of. According to my annoyingly happy app, I have gone 77.3 hours without smoking, added 19 hours to my life, not smoked 80.5 cigarettes and saved $56.36.

Okay, to be honest I wrote that about an hour ago and then wanted a cigarette desperately so I called a friend, but he/she/it didn't pick up. So I texted my stop smoking hotline and they told me to take a walk. So I did. I proceeded to stomp around my block for about 10 minutes before thinking it was dumb and being worried about being stabbed (which, side note, is still my biggest fear about living in New York). So I stomped home and laid on the floor with my cat for about 10 minutes before shoving a wad of nicotine gum in my mouth and trying this again.

Yesterday, I was a champ, finding the silver lining, talking about prayer, writing a top-notch post. Today I am cranky beyond all measure. I really, really, really, really want to smoke. Like really badly. I actually thought, for the first time, that I could actually get rid of all of this pain by walking down to my bodega, buying a pack of Marlboro lights, selecting one beautiful cigarette and inhaling with everything I have. Geeze, I just read that over and it sounds like I'm a freaking junkie. But you, my lovely audience, are keeping me honest. That and a crap ton of gum.

The interwebs informed me that mood swings and irritability are to be expected, but once again really undersold how bad it would be. I guess when contemplating quitting I was really worried about going through a traumatizing life event and not having a cigarette to lean back out. I was in no way prepared for all the annoyingness of everyday life exaggerated by the fact that my body is in all-out mutiny against me.

So, on that note, here is a list of only a few annoyances that I totally blew up over today:

1. Having a job means you can't stay in bed all day feeling sorry for yourself

2. Eyeliner never goes on straight when you're in a hurry, or maybe it's that I can't draw a straight line if my life depended on it

3. Everyone in New York should know that I quit smoking and should avoid me if they plan to light up

4. I am allergic to my nicotine patch. The below photo of my stomach is from two days when I was trying to illicit sympathy from my parents

5. Eating. If America can put a man on the moon why isn't there a pill I can take that gives me all my nutrition and avoids me having to make dietary decisions... or cook?

6. Also why do phone batteries still die? I probably don't understand electricity or something, but like seriously. What are all those nerds at Apple getting rich for if I can't spend 5 minutes on Pokemon Go without losing all my battery?

7. People in relationships. PSA to everyone riding the subway in New York: do not make out in front of me for the next few weeks if you intend on keeping all of your limbs intact

8. People who are pushy on the subway. See #7

9. I had to re-order this list like a million times to make the flow work

10. Annoying stuff costs money, like a subway card or tissues or a new dress. Why do I never have money?

11. Sometimes people say the wrong thing, or I take it wrong, or they don't understand, or I don't understand. Whatever. Communication is just straight up annoying.

12. Coffee getting cold. Or me forgetting I have coffee and remembering and then taking a huge gulp and then gagging for 10 minutes.

13. Emails. I wish everyone had to communicate by sending owls like in Harry Potter. That way, if someone wanted to send "Okay" as a message, it would be as annoying to send as it is to get

Let's end it there, because 13 is unlucky and I'm feeling unlucky, and you're probably thinking I was a lot less cranky when I was smoking. And you're right. And if I let that line of thinking go on too long, my dad is going to dress me for going out and my chances of getting a boyfriend will be slimmer than they are now. The end.