As a resident of Southern California, coming home for holidays feels like a tropical vacation. I throw off my parka, roll up my jeans, and get a mani/pedi. Though I do enjoy the break from the cold, the biggest perk to returning home is not the warm weather. I thoroughly enjoy sitting on my patio and listening to my parents explain in hushed tones their conspiracy theories about our neighbors.
Let me draw you a picture of our little suburb of California. We live 30 minutes from Los Angeles in a sleepy, little town. Our town has no industry - it's a bedroom community filled with track homes, strip malls, and In-N-Outs. Our community isn't exactly the breeding ground for militaristic terrorist cells.
But this doesn't stop my parents from continual worry. Our former next door neighbor was the mayor. After the FBI raided his house on suspicion of corruption, our neighbor was convicted and thrown in jail. The mayor's daughter took care of the house for some time, but after the mayor's wife finally left him, she sold the house. Soon someone purchased the house. My parents waited anxiously to befriend our neighbors and invite them to the annual neighborhood watch party they hosted. Much to their dismay, the neighbors expressed no interest in joining the community. A small muslim family, they kept to themselves. This alarmed my parents.
So, as my parents peaked out our venetian blinds, their suspicions mounted. Here is a list of reasons my parents have come up with as to why my neighbors are Jihadists:
1. Apparently the father works for the phone company, and they moved the family here. The father claims he hates our town and it was the last place he wanted to move.
2. The father only wears a dirty blue work shirt. He talks a walk around our neighborhood every day.
3. My parents cannot pronounce their names.
4. The father said he named his son after "the prophet."
5. They don't do their yard work. To prepare for our guests coming on Thanksgiving, my mother dispatched my father to clean up their yard at 4 a.m., as to not embarrass her.
6. They claim that they go camping. A seemingly innocuous activity, but for some odd reason, my parents don't believe them.
7. Their children don't play outside, except for when the father is home.
8. Whenever my mom leaves the house, she checks how many cars are outside our neighbor's house. Every morning there are three cars. When she returns in the evening, three cars sit outside the house. I know that it's impossible that they leave the house in between the hours that my mom leaves, so this makes total sense.
9. My mother has never met the wife, nor has she ever seen her.
10. They have no interest in socializing with my parents.
If suddenly the Department of Defense claims our next door neighbors are wanted and suspected terrorists, I will sincerely apologize to my parents. Perhaps that house is cursed and everyone who moves in will eventually end up incarcerated. Most likely, my parents watch too much Fox News and listen to too much Rush Limbaugh. But hey, I don't live at home for most of the year. Who am I to say?
